Bret's Big Adventures

So Much Has Happened, And So Little Time

2011-05-18T03:28:00.001-07:00

When I last logged into my blog, we were just finishing my first season here in Germany. We ended up coming in second and I would consider it a successful season. Well last season, we started off like crap again, but got super hot and ended up wining the Regionaliga Championship. It was a season of ups and downs. We hosted the European Championship which meant I got to meet and end up talking to one of my lifelong favorites, Mike Piazza and it also meant we had to take a month off in the middle of the season. Not exactly ideal for a team trying to compete. On top of that, we couldn't practice on our field for about 2 months because of renovations for the championship. Overall a cool experience. Italy won the thing and for a short time, we got to see what 6,000 people looked like at our home stadium. Add in a hurricane for 5 days straight and you've got yourself a crazy tiring event. Also got to make friends with Dennis Cook (2 Time World Series Champion Pitcher). In all, the season was one I'll never forget and I'm regretful I didn't track it with the blog.

For me personally, I went through some very tough struggles with my arm. My shoulder by the time I got half way through was hanging by a tread and my elbow was still hurt from a ball that hit me right on the end. Have a feeling that isn't going to go away. Had some great battles and ended up giving up 3 earned runs in my last four games and with a crew of youngin's, we ended up bringing home the gold! I'll refer to things from the 2010 season as we go along in the 2011 season.

So where are we now? So many things, players and situations have changed. Moving to the 2.Bundesliga has changed everything for the Reds. We have a successful program and a nice facility and so that means players now want to play for us. We have had some real quality guys come over to us and in the winter, I already had the feeling we would be pretty good. I figured I needed to push hard to get us ready and that mean tough workouts, lots of spring training games and a little psychology. A 7-1 start seems to be pretty good. So where did that one loss come from?

It goes something like this... We're up 6-1 in the bottom of the seventh inning and I wanted to get our starter, Marcel Hering, some rest. So my new role on the Reds is late inning reliever and let's say I'm not super comforatable with it yet. Coaching, standing around for hours and concentrating on the game doesn't exactly put you in the zone when it comes to pitching. Enter foreshadow here. It went from sunny beautiful day to cloudy and cold in an instant (not really).

As I jogged to the mound, I remember thinking "when was the last time I pitched in a game?" Oh well, will just work off the rust. A walk on a tight strike zone (or as we will find out later, non existant) to start wasn't good, but made quality pitches. Got a quick strike out. Next batter hits a routine double play ball, except we didn't turn it or get one. Hmmm, that might come back to haunt us, but I still have to do my job. If I remember correctly, the next ball gets hit off the thrid base bag (even though our third baseman was all over it and would have gotten an out or two) ricochet's into left field and they score two. Hmmm... Things don't seem to be going my way. A few more missed strikes by the ump who later said "Sorry, I had a really bad game" and I managed to blow a five run lead!! Haven't done that in a while, but I really wasn't pitching well and it's was all on me. We we battled the next couple innings and ended up going ten innings. I was still in pitching and just ran out of gas. A three run homer later and we were down. Micha (my assistant coach) makes a gesture to take me out, but I told him to stay. "Don't waste the pitching. I'll just take my lumps!" A couple runs later and that was all she wrote. Kind of embarrassing to be the manager that puts himself in and blows the game!!! Either I need to figure some things out, or I'll be out of a job!

Next episode: Spring Training in Italy! Great pasta! Bad drivers!

"Aren't You Worried My Pitcher Got Hit In The Head"?

2009-09-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

Our final two games of the season would be played at the friendly confines of Stuttgart Reds Stadium at TVC. It was a welcome change as we last played against Grobenzell in Munich! For us, that is a 3 hour drive and could be more if you get stuck in traffic on the Autobahn. If you want to know my thoughts about the Autobahn, read my thread entitled "Heartbreaker in Heidelberg". Playing at home has really been nice. You don't have to get up as early, we have the nicest facilities in the league and of course we have the home town crowd. After a slow start to the season, our club turned red-hot and we ended up beating the number one team three out of four times. We always got up for the tough games. It was the bottom feeders we had trouble with. All we needed was one win to guarantee that we had a share of second place and if we won both, we would have sole possession. It is a nice achievement considering we started so poorly and last season the club had a loosing record. Of course, we were playing a bottom feeder, so I thought the games would get interesting.

I was pretty much finished pitching for the season. At this point, where the games don't mean too much, it is a good time to give some of the prospects a chance to show their stuff and see how they might be able to help the club next season. Last week, I threw one of my "project" pitchers, Nico Woditsch. Nico is the classic coach able goofy kid. He's all heart and I'm pretty sure if I told him to, he would run head first into a brick wall if he thought he would pitch better after it. A week ago was Nico's first start of the season. He had an appearance in relief earlier in the season, but had lots of mechanical problems and we've been working in the Bullpen ever since. I'll be honest. I lost sleep the night before because I really wanted this kid to succeed, but I also knew it was possible for him to give up 15 runs in the first inning. So what does Nico do? He goes out and throws five innings of no hit ball and we win the game 13-1. In Germany, they have a 10 run rule, so we only ended up playing five. Kid just threw a no hitter. It wasn't mob scene on the mound because no one realized it until after the game. Why you ask? Because he walked eight batters!

Back to our final series. Nico earned another start and I wanted to see how he would react, if their hitters would adjust and if lightning would strike twice! It did. The kid threw five solid innings, giving up one run, allowing three hits on his way to another victory. He was smiling the whole way!

Since it was the last series of the season, I called up a young 16 year old kid named Thomas Bach. I love this kid. Very smart, always says "OK coach" and just goes about his business. He's not a big kid, but he has great natural talent. I wanted to get him in the game when we had a nice lead since he had never pitched at a level this high before. The time was right. Nico just pitched five nice innings (although I think he walked five!) and I could come in if things got bad. I took him down to the bullpen to warm up and I told him to get on the BP mound. He said "Me!" I could tell he was scared shitless. I gave him about 10 pitches to get loose and the inning ended. I said, "You're in next game". I'm pretty sure I heard a "Gulp!". I had Mark Perea warm him up since he would be catching for him next inning. Later, Mark told me that Thomas confided in him and said "I'm pretty nervous".

Watching eagerly (as was everyone), the kid pitched like he had been doing it every week. I rolled through two innings, gave up two hits, struck out three and walked one. What an awesome experience. He couldn't stop smiling. All was good. We had just cliched a share of second, so really no pressure now. Game two fireworks begin in 3,2,1.....

As a coach, you really try not to have favorites, but there are some guys you just can't help but liking. Germaine Brunswick is one of those guys. He's a tall 21 year old kid that has great natural talent and will do anything I ask. Plus he has a great sense of humor mixed with a little bit of tough guy. Good combination for a pitcher. "Jonsey", as we call him, is one of two ways. He is lights out with a good fastball in the high 80's or he completely implodes in 3 seconds flat!

Last week against Grobenzell, he started the second game and proceeded to hit the lead off batter. If there were a statistic for most lead off batters hit, I'm pretty sure Jonsey would be a runaway. Before we knew it, it was 4-0 with only one out. We were a little short on players and it just wasn't going Jonsey's way, so I pulled him for Ruben. Ruben did a great job and we ended up coming back to win the game.

This week, Jonsey just didn't have it. He proceeded to hit the first batter again. Incidentaly, Nico also hit that same batter. Before Jonsey was done, he hit that guy twice! If you are counting, the same guy got hit four times in the last three games! And we aren't done yet.

Jonsey managed to hit four batters in two innings and I could see the other team starting to get pissed. The opposing pitcher was one of the guys and took it upon himself to retaliate and hit Jonsey in the head. As he starred down Jonsey going to first, I yelled "What the hell are you looking at? Just pitch the fucking game!" I don't usually do that as a coach, but this guy thought he was in the bigs. After the inning, I said to the umpire "Are you worried my pitcher just got hit in the head?" The ump says "No, he ducked, so it was really at his chest!" When the opposing pitcher got hit by Jonsey, he spit at him as he was going to first. This guy obviously has watched one to many baseball movies.

I guess I'm not going to finish the season on the bench. I grab my glove and hustle to the bullpen to warm up. Three warm-up pitches later and Mark Perea (now playing right field) yells to me "He just hit another one". Normally I would just stay in the pen until I was ready, but I was pretty sure a riot was going to break out. I ran in from right field and threw eight warm up pitches way to quickly. Not ready yet, I proceed to plunk the first guy up. Who was it? The opposing pitcher! Mr. Tough-guy decides to try to stare me down as he goes to first base. Sorry buddy. I'm not rookie! I shout "What the hell are you looking at? You think I did that on purpose? You're an idiot". Mr. Tough-guy paused as if he was going to do something, but of course there was nothing behind it.

So for you score-keepers at home, that is a total of 6 Grobenzell Bandits plunked and 3 Stuttgart Reds plunked! Not exactly a great game. I ended up giving up a run and allowed two of Jonseys runners to score. The next inning was no better. I ended up plunking the lead off hitter with a curveball that didn't break. He just happened to be the same guy that Jonsey and Nico plunked! That is a grand total of 5 times in the last 3 games. Needless to say, I think he now leads the league in Hit By Pitches. Another four runs score on hits and walks and I had just finished the second inning of my worst performance in possibly the last few years!

As we were down 9-3 going into the fifth, I pretty much thought it was done. Early in the season, our team would have just folded, but we were different now. We had been through battles, close one run games and these guys didn't give up anymore. We scratched our way back to a 9-9 tie and then took the lead in the sixth. Up two runs, I had found my groove (it only took two innings!) and was able to throw two scoreless innings to get the win. Sometimes you pitch well and don't win (see Baldham vs Stuttgart) and sometimes you pitch like an idiot and win. It's a crazy game. Somehow, there was no brawl, although I thought there would be. Thoughts like "Would I get deported if I ended up in jail for ramming a bat down some kids throat?". Luckily we did not find out.

The off season is welcomed!

The First International Tournament

2009-08-24T01:51:00.001-07:00

Oldenzaal, The Netherlands - Two of the Stuttgart Reds players joined the Northern German Baseball Alliance for an international wood bat tournament in Oldenzaal, Holland. Bret Helenius and Mark Perea joined players from the Paderborn Untouchables, HSV Stealers, Bunde Berserker and Munster Cardinals.

In 5 games as cathcer and 3rd baseman, Mark Perea went 8-12 with 3 walks, 2 doubles and 5 RBI. Perea was also selected as the MVP for the week by coach Hans Ricter. In game 5 of the week, Perea blocked an astonishing 30 pitches in the dirt to avoid any passed balls by pitcher Mike Reed of the Paderborn Untouchables.

Bret Helenius pitched game four against the reigning tournament champion and host team, Run 71 from Oldenzaal. On three days rest, Helenius got the win pitching 5 innings, giving up 2 earned runs with 4 strikeouts and 2 walks. This marked the first time the NGBA beat the Run 71 team since the NGBA started attending the tournament four years ago. Helenius also went 2-4 with 2 runs, 2 walks and a double for the tournament.

Mark Perea also participated in the Home Run Derby, making it to the finals.

It should also be noted that the beer isn't quite as good in Holland, although the more you drink of it, the better it tastes. I would also have to say that the woman are definitely a beautiful (although no comparison to my wife!). Isn't that right Adamac?

Being a kid at linkin park

2009-08-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to a big concert since I was at the "Live" concert in college. For those of you that don't know about that episode, I was slightly inebriated and went crowd surfing and managed to get thrown out before the concert was over. It was worth it!

Nico, one of the players on our stuttgart team got us tickets. Lisa calls him the "Under The Tuscan Sun" boy. If you haven't seen the movie, he is the sweet innocent cute italian guy that makes a love connection. Nico just adds his own goofy bit to it. Anyway, lisa, mark, nico and I headed out to the concert after some bp at the field and a quick beer at ingoville (our concession stand is run by a big german guy named ingo; hence ingoville). The concert was held where they have the big beer festivals during the year. Mark and nico wanted to get way upfront, but I stayed back with my lisa. I was expecting it to get kind of crazy (slam dancing...), so I was ready to protect my beloved.

Evidently in germany, you don't move from the spot you are standing in once the concert starts. It was weird. People even gave you space to stand! I'm used to pushing and shoving in the states.

The band was awesome and sounded better live than in the cd's. They did stick one of the side projects in the middle of their performance, which we weren't ready for, but all in all, it kicked ass.

After the show, we went downtown for a drink. After a few, we walked home and crashed. Not bad for a couple approaching 40!
Bret Helenius
Bret@skithewest.com
866-250-7313 x 4435
Fax (Direct) 866-542-5730
Southern Rockies Reservations
a Rocky Mountain Tours Company
www.TaosSkiTrips.com

From amsterdam to oldenzaal, holland

2009-08-04T00:13:00.001-07:00

So mark perea and I just spent a couple days in amsterdam before playing in a baseball tournament with the northern german baseball alliance in oldenzaal, holland. Sounds like we are playing with a bunch of American players who are playing n the bundesliga in germany. Should be fun. There will be teams from holland, germany, the us, moldavia and other places.

Our couple days in amsterdam were pretty uneventful. Saw lots of naked women on posters, plenty of head shops (places that sell weed related instruments), "coffee shops" and of course the red light district. I found out the girls have a union, medical coverage and the works. Sounds better than the us! We ended up getting an apartment instead of a youth hostel. For only $90 we got our own place with private bath. It was no palace, but ok.

Ended up purchasing the wrong ticket from Amsterdam to oldenzaal, but the train conductors were really nice and helpful. They made it really easy for us.

Next stop, oldenzaal, holland. Have to pitch on three days rest, so we'll see how that goes.

Stuttgart Reds Win Season Series Against Number 1 Karlsruhe

2009-07-20T02:20:00.000-07:00

The Stuttgart Reds arrived at Karlsruhe Cougar stadium ready for a fight and the day played out like a 12 round heavy weight boxing match. The Reds had already split a 2 game series earlier this season handing Marc Schumacher, the Cougars pitching ace, one of his few loses. The Cougars would clinch the Regionaliga crown if they won one of their games against the Reds. But the Reds had plans to spoil their celebration.

In game on, coach Bret Helenius took the mound against Schumacher as he did in their last battle. A rain delay of 1 hour made the field very wet, but playable. Helenius held the Cougars to no runs for the first 5 innings. Only one run was allowed in the sixth inning by Helenius. In the seventh inning, the same exact scenerio existed that was in place last week against Baldham. There was a runner on first and second. There were 2 outs by way of strikeout. Against Baldham, the Boars were able to win the game on a double to left center. This week would be different however. The Cougars had also made 2 outs by way of strikeout, but the final out came on an easy pop fly and the Reds won 2-1. The offense was sparked by a single by Naohisa Matsuda in the third inning and was moved over to third on a double by Moritz Lons. Then, on a sacrife fly by Gonzalo Rivera, Matsuda scored. In the fifth inning, Ruben Kratky led off with a beautiful bunt basehit and was driven home by Germaine Brunswick to give Stuttgart their second run. That was all the Reds needed to nail down their first win of the day against the Cougars.

In game 2, pitching was the story again, as coach Micha Antczak took the mound ready to shutdown the Cougars offense. That is exactly what he did, throwing a beautiful complete game shutout to seal the sweep for the day. Antczak only allowed four hits on the day and kept the Cougars hitters off balance like a pro. The Reds lone run came in the top of the seventh inning when Ruben Kratky laid down another perfect bunt with 2 outs to get on base. Kratky immediately stole second to get in scoring position for Adrian Fischer. Fischer then place a perfect opposite field hit to give Kratky a chance to score from second. As Kratky was flying around thrid trying to score, the Cougars tried to make the play at the plate, but the throw was offline and Kratky scored the Reds only run. In the bottom of the seventh inning, Antczak finished off the Cougars for the win.

The Reds are now 3 games out of first with 6 games left to play and the top of the Regionaliga division is tight with Lauf only 2 games back. It seems there may still be a little opening for the division and the pressure remains on Karlsruhe to get the job done.

Game 1
Pitching
Bret Helenius 1 R, 1 ER, 8 H, 4 K, 2 BB (Win)

Hitting
Naohisa Matsuda 1-3, 1 R, 1 BB
Moritz Lons 1-3, 2B, 1 HP
Gonzalo Rivera 1-3, 1 RBI, 1 SF
Mark Perea 1 HP
Andreas Speigelberger 1-3
Ruben Kratky 1-3, 1 R
Germaine Brunswick 1-2, , 1 RBI

Game 2
Pitching
Michael Antczak 0 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 1 K, 3 BB, SHO (Win)

Hitting
Andreas Speigelberger 1-3
Ruben Kratky SB, 1 R
Adrian Fishcer 1-3, RBI

Rubenisms!

2009-07-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

Ruben Kratky is a 20 year old German player for our Stuttgart Reds. The kid speaks English really well, but sometimes, he gets phrases wrong. Here is a list of "Rubenisms" and what they were suppossed to mean. This is not necessarily PG rated, but it is all meant in good fun.

1) "Bret, were you fucked off after practice?"
True meaning: We had a terrible practice and the guys just didn't work hard and I was pissed. Ruben was trying to ask me if I was "Pissed Off" after practice.

2) "Did you have to throw over?"
True Meaning: After a night of drinking, I had a wicked hang over and Ruben was trying to ask me if I had to throw up.

3) "That's not my problem!"
True Meaning: When I first got to Germany, I would ask Ruben what he thought about certain things and also one time to see if he could help me reconstruct the mound. I would ask him if he would help me at a certain time or what he thought about a certain subject. He always answered "Hey, that's not my problem". Coaches really hate it when you say that to them, but of course Ruben just meant, "It doesn't matter to me".

4) "Was she hamburger fat?"
True Meaning: I'm honestly not sure what he meant about this one, but I think he was talking about the shape of some one he had met in Virginia when he was there on exchange. Meaning that she was round, but he could have also meant she just ate hamburgers all the time. Either way, it was funny as hell.

5) "Hey Babe, You Look Good"
True Meaning: It's pretty much what it sounds like. I asked Ruben one day what a German guy would say when he is trying to pick up a girl at a bar. Guess they are straight to the point.

More to come....

Post from my blackberry

2009-06-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

Wow! Got my blackberry today. Can post on my blog from it. Perfect timing for our trip to greece next week. Lisa arrives this evening. Very exciting. Like a first date again!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Heartbreaker in Heidlberg

2009-06-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

May 29, 2009 - Off to Heidlberg, Germany for a couple of games vs the Heidlberg Hedgehogs. I've heard so much about Heidlberg and how beautiful it is. Not sure if we are going to see much of the town, but I'm excited. The day starts out a little rough because for some reason, we weren't given the club van to go to the game. That means we have to use players cars. In America, most players cars are pretty normal size and a lot of guys (especially baseball players) have SUV's. Heck, even I have a VW Touareg. Well this is Europe, where everything is small. Somehow, we had to pack 12 guys plus equipment into 4 subcompact vehicles! Most of you know I have the legs of a 6'10" guy, so I knew right off the bat (no pun intended) this was going to be a rough day.

About an hour into our journey, we hit traffic. Now this is my third run in with traffic on the famed "Auto Bahn" and it was getting old. We did about 5 mph for 2 hours! That made us late. What's more is my back went into spasms about 2 hours into the trip. I think I am getting old!

We get to Heidlberg and just as other players told me, I heard a lot of English. Heidlberg has a bunch of American players that live there now. The field doubles as a field hockey pitch, so the grass is really nice. The mound was high and like a cliff. If you weren't careful, you fell off!

I started pitching and the usual first inning in sued. A few errors, a couple hits and they scored 3 unearned runs (and 1 earned). I was, as it is said, a bit pissed off (or as Ruben would say "Fucked Off"). I was having trouble with the mound, but somehow found a way to pitch from it. Didn't do very well, but managed to get through 6 innings with 0 runs and 7 strikeouts. I couldn't throw and off speed pitch to change my life, but they were swinging at my fastball, so that worked.

Mark was "red tagged" before the game even started. During batting practice, the coach sat behind him and said "we're not going to give him anything to hit". Evidently the pitcher didn't get the memo. Mark it a towering shot to center in his first at bat the hit the fence. After that, we got walked a lot.

Going into the last inning, I handed the ball over to one of our relievers. I wasn't feeling very good and felt a bit sick (and I had thrown 30 pitches in the first inning). No worries, the game is well in hand with a 5 run lead. One quick out. Second batter hit a routine grounder and an error. Slowly but surely, the hits came, a few more errors and before I knew it, the 5 run lead completely disappeared. Ouch!

Of course in extras, they scored one run to win in come from behind fashion. A dog pile on the field and I knew what was going to happen in the second game. Them's the breaks!

Link Correction

2009-05-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

Oops. I made a mistake on the league stats link. Here is the correct one.

Americans Impact the Reds

2009-05-21T00:53:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this post a short one. Mark Perea arrived last week to join us on the Reds team. Mark is the nephew of Walter Perea, my long time catcher in New Mexico. I'll get to Mark in a minute.

Walter played pro ball with the Brewers and Phillies organizations and was one of the highest rated defensive catchers during his time in the minors. Unfortunately for me, Walter threw the ball back harder to me than I threw it to him! And don't piss him off because he would throw it back even harder! I equate Walter to a nice warm blanket on a cold winter day. I could throw a curve ball 10 feet short of the plate and somehow, we would still come up with it or block it perfectly. Now that's comfort when you are on the mound!

So you get the idea of Walter. Now imagine him 14 years ago and you get Mark. He looks like him, talks like him and acts like him. Even has that stupid grin all the time! Mark played with us on the New Mexico Mets too and is an awesome catcher and hitter. This is the boys' first time out of the states so I'm sure it will be an eye opening experience for him. He's already had a run in with the check out girl at a local electronics store. She started yelling at him in German and he just froze up. Welcome to Germany!

Well the Americans made an impact this weekend as the Reds beat first place Karlsruhe 5-3. Yours truly pitched a complete game for the win and Mark caught, threw out the tying run (at the time) on second base as he was trying to steal and went 4-5 with 2 doubles and a triple and 4 RBI. Getting back to the guy he threw out on second; the guy laid a perfect bunt down that only went about 4 feet and stopped one inch from the third base foul line. After I grabbed the ball, the guy was already on first. Mark said "Damn that guy is fast". We knew he was going to steal, but I wasn't worried. I had a catcher with a cannon behind home plate and he wasn't afraid to use it. Sure enough, the runner goes on the first pitch and I get the ball to Mark as fast as possible. "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS" I hear as the ball wizzes by my ankles. Perfect throw from his knees and he got him out by 2 steps. That was huge!

I did ok too. Only allowed 1 earned run and no runs at all after the first inning. It was truly an exciting game and one you had to be at to feel. Oh yeah, I also hit a double in the gap to score the tying run.

Here is the link to see the league stats on Marc and I. I don't think Mark is in the league leaders yet because he doesn't have enough at bats, but he will shortly. You can click on our team name "Stuttgart Reds" to see his team stats. I'm in the League Leaders for ERA right now. Should be first, but some score keeper pegged me with an extra earned run!

Also another article on our team site.

Amerikaner vor dem Reds

2009-04-30T02:10:00.000-07:00

Here is an article that was recently written about me in the newspaper. You can go to www.Freetranslation.com if you want to translate it. It is rough, but you get the idea.

http://www.cannstatter-zeitung.de/lokal/lokalsport/sportnews/Artikel374915.cfm

The Big Home Opener

2009-04-30T00:48:00.000-07:00

April 25, 2009 - The big day has come for the Stuttgart Reds. The home opener. This club really makes a big deal out of it. It's picture day (team and individual shots), throwing out the first pitch, music, barbecue and the works. Gotta admit, I was a bit excited myself.

The morning started off early because we needed to get to the ball park to take the team and individual pictures with the club directors. It was a beautiful day with a rich blue sky and a perfect 70 degrees. With the individual pictures, I had to show all the boys how to take their pictures. Make sure the number on the front is showing, pitchers with gloves, fielders with bats, no goofey smiles... The whole team stands behind the photographer and makes faces at the guy getting his picture taken. Ballplayers are the same no matter where you go!

After pictures, I was introduced to the owners of the TVC club. That is the club that basically owns our club. Haven't me them yet. They seemed to be pretty well off. One of the guys had blue tinted glasses. Must have money with glasses like that. See, when you have money, and you wear blue tinted glasses, you have class and style. When you are poor and wear blue tinted glasses, you're just going to get your ass kicked and probably get picked on a lot.

Each time I meet a board member or someone important, they ask me how the season will go and note that they have high expectations for this season. "There is no reason we can't do well with the talent we have. Only time will tell if the boys can do it on the field..." I have that speech memorized at this point I've repeated it so much.

Robert Kupka is a Czech that only speaks German. He is the Baseball director and I guess is my boss. He only speaks about 10 words of English, so you can imagine our interactions are interesting. Before each game, he comes to me and says "Bret. Today I want to win!" "OK" I think to myself. No problem.

The music is cranking already and a little speech from yours truly to the troops. I have a ton of these stored up, so I decided to pick the "It's Up To You..." speech. You know, the one where you can achieve whatever your want, but only if you put the time, effort and attitude into it. Blah, blah, blah... "There's no reason why we can't..." Ended it with "It's Up to you!" That ought to get their heads on straight and make them realize they can do anything their minds are set to. Feeling pretty good about the attitudes now. It's a can't miss! (note foreshadowing)

After running, stretching and warm-ups, it's time for the ceremonial first pitch and it's the owner with the blue tinted glasses. I am leaving his name out only because it alludes me at the moment. Pretty important guy, so I should probably know it! In perfect New York fashion, I yell "Don't bounce it" and then realize the error of my ways after it is too late. I don't think he heard me. Thank god.

I let one of our young pitching talents, Germaine Brunswick, take the hill for the first game (kid is throwing close to 90 already). Gave him a taste of all the excitement. The stands were starting to fill up and this kid will be great one day. Plus, I made that amazing speech a little while ago, so it's a can't miss. We were playing Lauf, a team that just moved up from the lower leagues and were unknown. In batting practice, they had some big guys putting balls out of the park, so I figured they were ok.

In the first inning, my pitcher hit 2 guys and we made 3 errors. I think we gave up 4 runs to start the game. Not exactly what I had in mind. By the time the game was done, we had made about 8 errors and hit 6 batters! A new league record!!

Evidently we get to pick entry music when we come to bat. I didn't pick anything, so when I was announced, the theme from Magnum PI was promptly played. Too bad I can't grow a mustache. The pitcher is throwing pretty good (about 85 mph), so I'm ready for him. First pitch, "Crack!!!" Nope, not a homerun, but a fastball right on the inside of the right elbow! Son of a bitch! The pain is immediate and I loose all feeling in my hand. Run down to first like it didn't hurt. Can't show any weakness. "Where did it get you" the first baseman asks. "Inside of the elbow". "That sucks" he said. I ended up scoring from first on a double in the gap, but quickly realized I couldn't straighten my arm out.

My next at bat, I attempted to swing a weighted bat on the side and it was a no go. Already announced me and I hear my Magnum PI theme, so I have to bat. Laid down a beautiful drag bunt since I couldn't swing and the third baseman made a beautiful barehanded play. Just got me. Took myself out of the game and the rest of the day. Guess I don't get to pitch today!

Game two comes along and I'll skip to the final inning. The game is tied 7-7 and we only made a few mistakes, so we are doing well. My reliever had pitched the final three innings really well and got 2 outs. Their big number 4 hitter came up with bases empty. Two quick strikes. Since I'm calling the game from the dugout, I call for a pitch way outside (nothing good). Poor guy pipes a fastball right down the middle and "Bombs away!". Home run over the left-center fence! We're down 8-7. We come up in the bottom half and start off with a base hit. I have the next batter lay down a bunt to move the runner over, only the ball never hits the ground. It pops straight up, the catcher catches it, and throws to first to get a double play!!!! Our next batter got a single, so with a runner on second, we would have tied the game. A third out happens and that's the ball game. Now we are 1-3 and digging ourselves a little hole.

The First Appearence

2009-04-20T00:51:00.001-07:00

April 18, 2009 - We interupt this blog to link to my first official appearence on the mound. I'll get back to all the other stuff again, because there are a whole bunch of experiences I want to share.

http://www.stuttgart-reds.de/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=211&Itemid=1

Our first official league games are a pair of games in Memmlsdorf, which is about 3 hours north of Stuttgart. Our game starts at 1 PM, and with travel and stuff, I have to leave the apartment at 7:30. I think it's going to be a long day. Not to mention, it's raining again! and 40 degrees! What happened to summer.

I arrived at Bad Cannstatt train station to meet Ruben in the club van. I'll introduce you to him later. He's a funny guy and seems to always get the American says wrong. The best one yet was "Bret, were you fucked off at yesterdays practice?" What he was trying to say was "were you pissed off". It makes for good fodder.

We hop in the team bus and go to the complex to meet the rest of the team. Still raining and now we have to cram everyone in this 10 passenger bus. Usually the coaches sit in the front (one driving and one riding shotgun). With this particular bus, only Ruben can drive, so Micha (Assistant Coach) and myself both sit up front. Micha is about 6 foot 190 lbs, so he's not that small.

For three hours, in a cramped, wet bus, we rode to Memmlsdorf. I sat at an angle with one cheek off the seat and the side support sticking in my back. Micha sat at the same angle so we both could fit. Nothing like riding in style!

"Can we play in this" I asked Micha. "I call and they say it rains light and will be clear later" he says in the Terminator voice.

As we drive on, it rains harder and harder. It's going to suck to get there and turn around and drive back.

We stop along the way in a rest stop with no facilities, so like ballplayers do, we lineup along the road and fire away. Baseball players are pretty much the same where ever you go.

We arrive in Memmlsdorf and it's a small German town like you would imagine from a postcard. They have a schloss (castle) that greets us as soon as we get off the autobahn. This one has oninon shaped domes all over and an amazing laberynth garden.

As we weave through town and tiny side streets so small you couldn't get 2 Mini's through, we come upon a sports complex. Quickly into the locker room to change and then a 1/2 mile hike to the field. I see nothing buck soccer fields. Finally, after hoofing it for a while, we come upon a cow pasture looking field that has a small backstop. This isn't anything like our home field!

Still raining, we go through our warmup routine and stretching. The grass is wet and thick. A little batting practice and we were ready to go. I had to exchange lineup cards and meet the umpires. Thank god most speak English because there are some funky rules. Will tell you about those later.

I take the mound for the bottom half of the first inning and I'm so amped up, I can't see straight. Maybe it's because I drank a Red Bull and I didn't even need it. Good nights sleep and adrenaline already!!! My warm up pitchs are all high and hard. I better fix myself or I will be walking the whole lineup.

First batter steps in and looks fast, but I can tell by the way he's holding the bat, that's all he's got. Just as I thought, first three pitches were high and hard. Gota relax. Threw a couple strikes to bring the count full. Addi, who is catching has learned I love my changeup. He calls it. Good call Addi, I like you already. Toss in the change and the batter swings out of his shorts.

Glad I got that over with. First strkeout. Got the next two guys and a gounder and lazy fly. 1-2-3 inning is a good start.

Second inning started like the first. Struck the first guy out and got another quick out. Third batter hits a ground to second and our second baseman kicks it towards our shortstop and our shortstop kicks it into center. They are both hispanic, so maybe they though they were playing soccer! A hit and another couple errors and before we knew it, they scored 4 unearned runs. Had to strike the last guy out to get out of the inning.

Third inning went pretty much the way the first did. 1-2-3 and I was done. Not bad, but wasn't hitting my spots and had way too much energy. All in all, I had a good time and was happy to get the first one over with. When I left, it was 4-4, but our next reliever (how has been our best releiver in the preseason) coughed up 10 runs in 4 innings, all earned. Poor guy couldn't throw a strike. Lost that game 14-8

Next game went well. We rolled and beat them 14-5 and defense fell into place, offense hit the ball and the game went like it should have. Time to go home for another game tomorrow in Sindlefingen.

Didn't get home until midnight. I think tomorrow is going to be a long day.

To the Field, Mach Scnell!!

2009-04-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

I wake up from a weird night of sleep. Couldn't really sleep, but I was exhausted. What time is it. My body is still on New Mexico time, but it is morning here. I think I am screwed up because it is like 1 AM in New Mexico. No dogs to walk or Lisa to talk to. This may be the beginning of being homesick. If there wasn't so many new things, I think I would be.

At 2 PM, Tina was going to come pick me up to register me for everything I could possibly imagine. Tina is on the club board and helps run the women's softball team. She is Croatian and has the Eastern block look about her. After about 30 seconds of small talk, she says "so, let's go" and we were off to who knows where. We hop in her Audi 100. That model was like 15 years old, but the car is in tip top shape, so no worries (note foreshadowing).

She starts telling me about all the stuff we are about to do and I'm just nodding along like my Mike Piazza Bobble Head. First stop, I thought was the bank. We had to take a little number and wait. Our number lights up and we go through a door to a long counter. The lady helping us speaks no English and she and Tina start yacking on about something. I don't see any money changing hands at any of the other counters. I don't think this is a bank. Tina hands me a form and says "Fill this out". Crap, everything is in German. They lady asks us to step outside as we fill out the forms.

My first German lesson. Tina walks me through the form, but tries to lead me in getting the answers so I actually learn what the words mean. Very thoughtful. Address! Shoot, I don't know where I live. The description "Above the theatre with the big head on it" just won't do. We try calling Ralf, but no answer. She grabs a phone book from the counter and looks up the theater company. Genius! We're in business.

We go back into the lady who is processing something and after about 10 minutes of conversation between the two of them, she asks me for my place of birth. That's it. I know you guys said more than that. I couldn't help but think of the movie "Lost in Translation" with Bill Murray and Scarlet Johannsen (schwing!). "New York" I responded. Another 10 minutes of back and forth and Tina said, "that will be fine". What? What was all the other stuff! So this ended up being my registration with the city or state or country (I'm still not sure). Evidently this is very important.

Next stop, the bank! This was how I was going to get paid, so this was pretty important. The club does direct deposit for my salary, so I was eager to get this done. We get to the teller. No bullet proof glass or high counters. She was sitting in a chair below us. Tina starts in with the teller. About 10 minutes of back and forth. Evidently we need an appointment to open a bank account. There must be more than that. I gotta be missing something. She hands me a slip and my appointment is 10 days from now! Geeze, I guess bank accounts are in high demand in Germany! So we leave there and we try to find something to eat.

We are in the Time Square of Stuttgart, so there is everything you can imagine. She says "Do you like Sushi?" "Of course" I reply. We go over to a very German looking sushi place, but it's not open. "How about Chinese?" Where is all this Bratwurst and meat I heard about? It's buffet style and I must say was really good. They don't use MSG here, so it was good stuff.

Off to the field to meet the team. I was really excited. Meeting a new team for the first time is always exciting. Sizing the other guys up, seeing if they are as manly as you. Mental jousting. We hop into Tina's Audi. It's raining pretty hard and I asked her "will they still be practicing?" "Oh yeah" she replied. "You would be amazed at the rain we play in". In New Mexico, if it might rain, we cancel games.

Sitting in traffic, Tina starts cursing in German. "What's wrong?" I ask. "My stupid car is having trouble". No sooner than 2 minutes later, a sputter, a cough and the car dies! We are in the middle of downtown Stuttgart, it's pouring rain and we're sitting in the middle of traffic. She gets it going enough to get it over to the side. "Get out!" she says. "In Germany, you can't sit in a car on the side of the road".

There we are standing next to her Audi in the pouring rain. "What are we waiting for" I say with a bit of sarcasm. "The car club will come fix the car". Wow, that should be great. 45 minutes go by and we have talked about everything from health care, to kids to how her boss hit on here on their last business trip. Finaly, here comes a yellow van with "ACAD". The driver pops out and he talks to Tina a big and grabs his tool box. The hood is popped and he's in there working. Pulls out something that has to do with the alternator, adjusts it and charges the battery and sure enough, the Audi comes to life! Are you kidding me. I guess they are all engineers here.

It's pretty late at this point and I'm wondering if the guys will still be there. We get there and it's dark at the field and we make our way to the dugout and I shake a bunch of hands and Tina says "let's go". Don't know where, but I will follow.

We end up at a traditional small German restaurant and there were a handful of players there that I got to meet. Beer is flowing and here comes my first Bratwurst. I guess I've arrived.

Home Sweet Home

2009-04-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

March 25th Continued... - Rolling into Stuttgart, I can't tell what the city is like. Didn't really get to see any big veranda's or huge sky scrappers. Kind of just all of a sudden appeared into downtown just like that. Drove by a ton of night clubs along the main strip on Rotebuhlstrasse and then came upon my building. It was above a theater company that had a huge head of some dude on top of the entrance. It was mid size, but big enough to show professional productions of plays that were on Broadway. I wonder if the dialogue is in German?

Across the street was a huge Gothic church (St. John's Church) that had a pond in front of it with ducks and turtles. Flanked on the left was a cool cafe that had an outdoor patio. Of course I didn't come to actually appreciate all this stuff until a week after I arrived. It was cold and rainy. About 40 degrees to be exact.

Ralf and I made our way to the back entrance with my bags and began the hike up to the 4th floor to my new place. Damn these bags are heavy! He fiddles with the door and we're in. I knew it was going to be small, so I wasn't surprised when it was a bedroom, kitchen (I mean closet) and bathroom (I mean closet). For me, it was just fine, because I could cook and Ralf promised me an Internet connection.

They set me up with the essentials. Towels, soap, white bread, American cheese, beer, 5 types of ham, orange juice and spaghetti. What else could a guy ask for. "We need to drink beer!" Ralf said. "You will learn that Schwabian's celebrate beer".

"What's a Schwabian?" I said. I thought I was in Germany! "This is the Schwabian region and we speak differently and our customs are our own". Crap, I just spent $500 on Rosetta Stone and they didn't mention anything about Schwabian German.

This was the moment of truth. I didn't see an Internet cable and I was curious as to how I was going to communicate with Rocky Mountain Tours (and my wife for that matter). He pulled out a little white stick. It was a city wide Internet connection.

It took a few minutes to get set up, but once we did, it worked pretty well. I can't really stream video that well, but good enough for my Magic Jack.

After a little hanging out, Ralf took off and I was alone in my abode. I was hungry and wasn't in the mood for Grilled cheese and spaghetti. Time to venture out.

It was pouring rain and I didn't have any rain gear. We don't need that shit in New Mexico. Started walking down my street and found a very traditional looking German restaurant. It was really intimidating. Surely they didn't speak English in there. Moved on to a hip looking place that seemed to serve food, but I couldn't tell if it was open. I pulled on the door and it seemed to be locked. I ran away before anyone could ask me anything. It's cold and I'm hungry and wet and I'm in Germany.

After walking another 15 minutes and not having any luck, I decided to go back to "John Doe's". That was the hip place I tried first. I saw people in there, so it must be open. I tried the door again. Still locked. "Drucken" it said. I tried to push and magically the door opened. Damn that was tough.

I get to the counter and ask the girl, "Sprechen sie english?". "Yeah, a little" she said half heatedly. "Can I have the lasagna" I said. It was the only thing I could decipher on the menu because it wasn't in German. It was Italian and that I could read! I sat there and ate my pasta and drank a beer and called it a night. So far, cold, rainy and I can't talk to anyone. I has to get better!

Getting to Stuttgart

2009-04-07T02:45:00.000-07:00

March 25, 2009 - So I make my way off Air India in a bewildered state kind of like those Dawn of the Dead movies. Kind of stumbling, eyes can't focus on anything and pretty sure I am drooling or did druel at some point in the last few hours. I know I have to go through customs. This was a really exciting and nervous time. This was my first try at using my Irish Passport. I was able to attain dual citizenship because my grandparents were from Ireland. My wife keeps telling me I am like Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity series because I have two passports, European bank accounts... She is the Bourne version of a treky!

I wanted to choose the line that had the most people in it thinking the customs agent would want to get through the line quickly, but not much happening. No one going through. I approach on high alert. "Guten Tag" and hand him my passport. It's green and says a whole bunch of shit in Gaelic. God, I hope he doesn't ask me who the President or Prime Minister of Ireland is. He grabs it from me, scans it and hands it back. That's it!!!! No "How long will you be in Germany" or "What is your business here"? What the fuck! I was ready for my whole "I'm here to play baseball" story. Oh yeah. They don't really care about baseball here. I'm a second class athlete. Also, I forgot that having the Irish passport means I don't have to leave Germany. Can stay as long as I want! Sweet!

First things first. Just like in the Bourne Ultimatum, I need to get a prepaid "Handy" (mobile phone). No luck. Can't find anywhere that has them and I was scared they were going to speak to me in German. Change my dollars into Euros and was on my way to baggage.

Standing around waiting for my bags for 20 minutes. Hmmm. I guess that is why the Swiss invented the clocks. Figured they would be more on it here.

Here comes on bag. Wow, it's in one piece. Very happy. Where's the second one? Shit. No sign and another 15 minutes goes by. There is an Indian man standing next to me and I asked him if he was missing bags too. "They are quicker in Mumbia than this" said in and Indian accent.

A baggage agent came up to me and started speaking to me in German. Crap, what the hell is he saying. I managed to squeak out "Ich spreche English". He transitioned into English and told me to come with him to the lost baggage area. Son of a bitch!

Luckily, I was on my game when packing, so I put exactly half of each type of clothing in one bag, and half in the other just in case an instance like this might happen. My sister-in-law Amy would be very proud of me.

I get to the counter, and again, the German comes flying at me. I'm bobbing and weaving like I'm in the Matrix dodging bullets. "Ich spreche English". They start having me fill out a form. I guess I look German or something. Can't they tell I'm Irish!

Success! My bag shows up and I can finally go through the doors to my ride waiting for me on the other side. Hopefully he is still there because I am now an hour late!

I walk through the doors and meet a Vincent Van Goeh looking guy with a Stuttgart Reds had and jacket. Pointy chin, pointy nose, goatee. "Bret, I'm Ralf Buecheler" he said. "Good to finally meet you Ralf".

We make our way to his car. "Have you ever been on the Autobahn" he asked. "Nope" I responded. "It is very fast" he said excitedly.

I was a bit excited because all I could imagine was cruising to Stuttgart in a Porsche or Mercedes (Stuttgart is home to those companies after all). We get to his car and it's a Ford Focus. I was shocked. I thought it was forbidden to drive an American car in Germany. Guess not.

We get on the Autobahn and I can't tell how fast we are going, but doesn't seem like it is very fast. The speedometer is in Km/hr so at 120, I'm confused. I did see a few Porsche's and Ferrari's pass us like we were going backwards and thought that was very cool. Other than that, it was a non event.

Two hours later, we pull into Stuttgart. We are going to my new apartment. I'm so curious. Will I have my own toilette? How about a kitchen? We'll see!

Wilkommen Aus Deutchland!!!

2009-04-07T02:24:00.001-07:00

March 25, 2009 - When we last left our caped crusader, he was fighting the temptations of yucky airport terminal food during his seven hour layover! Will he ever get back to a normal bowel movement? Only time will tell.

So this was my first experience with Air India. Are you all thinking what I'm thinking? Is it going to smell like curry? Am I going to get stuck sitting next to a farmer and his goat? Will it smell like curry? I must admit, I'm a pretty open minded guy, but I was a little skeptical about this flight. There was no telling what situation I got myself into. I quickly noticed that all the flight attendants were Indian. All the passengers were Indian. Aren't we going to Germany? I found out later that Germany was just a stop-over and Mumbai was the real stop. I guess they are adopting the Southwest flight model (just a little further apart). The next thought that entered my mind was a Slumdog Millionaire influenced one. India isn't exactly a rich country. Is this plane going to have propellers or what?

I got on board and to my surprise, beautiful seats with your own TV's and nice accommodations. Wow, what a surprise. The next thing I noticed were the female slight attendants. Yes, they had dots. Some red, some blue, some green. Not sure what they meant, but very colorful. They were also wearing traditional clothing that a woman from India would wear. How novel. To me it looked like they took their living room curtains and draped them over their shoulder, but they did look neat and clean. Just like that we were air born and I fell asleep instantly.

I was awoken by an attendant with a simple "Sir" (say it with an Indian accent). It was time for food. I was famished. I outsmarted everyone on board because I took the time to order the kosher meal. That is what I was always told to do if you want the good stuff. Finlay a real meal! I got my trey with real silverware, including a knife (Mr. Albuquerque security guard!!!) and I uncover the foil to find a rectangular egg colored thing with sausages next to it. Hmmmmm. Doesn't look kosher to me. Whatever Rabi blessed this must have been blind. I'll dig in and see. One bit and swallow and I knew where my next stop would be.

Five minutes was all it took! Luckily I had a commode five feet from me. Yep, just as I thought; an instant diuretic! Who needs Ex-Lax? My wife usually can't go for days when we travel. Next time, I'll order her some Air India cuisine! Bummer for the next guy.

Sure enough, someone was waiting patiently outside. Had to laugh a little once he closed the door.

Fell back asleep quickly and before I knew it, we were landing in Frankfurt. Thank god!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2009-03-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

March 24 or 25, 2009

Chicago, Ill - So who's got two ass cheeks and is sore from sitting on them? This guy!! Can you say the layover from hell? For some reason, when I was booking my trip to Germany, I didn't remember that there was a nice 7 hour layover in Chicago. No matter, that place is like a city. If you are going to get stuck in an airport for a long time, why not in one of the biggest in the world.

On my flight from Albuquerque to Chicago, I witnessed the toughest stewardess (I mean flight assistant coordinator) I have ever encountered. The lady in front of me didn't cease her conversation as the stewardess was going over the emergency instructions in the "unlikely event of a water evacuation". Yeah, like when is that last time there was a water evac... never mind. So imagine a Chicago based flight crew with a woman that just had a visit from "Aunt Flo" that wouldn't take any shit and then you have the stewardess from hell. She proceeds to question the lady in front of me about where exactly the exits are and how many are on the DC-10. Good thing I studied that chapter before I got on the plane! The lady said giggling "I'm a teacher and we make the worst students." The stewardess didn't think that was very funny. "How many exits mam?" "I think there are three" said the passenger now getting a little antsy. "No, guess again". "I'm not sure, but I don't want to argue with you" said the teacher turned student. "It's passengers like you that put the other people on this plane in danger". It went on like that for another few minutes before the claws went back in on the stewardess. Ouch, that one stung.

When I got off the plane and waited in the gate area for my checked back pack (sans Leatherman), there was a Chicago police officer questioning a foreign couple about an incident that happened on the plane. Evidently the Stewardess from hell drew blood more than once on that plane. Multiple complaints hit Chicago before we even landed. As I was leaving the gate area, more boys in blue were brought in. "Hope you guys are packing heat" I said under my breath as I walked by them.

Considering I was flying Air India for the first time and had no idea where to go for it, so I asked one of those guys that push around wheelchairs in the airport but never seem to have anyone in them. He said "Air India? I'm going that way. Follow me." I though, how nice. I asked him if there were nice restaurants and bars in the terminal I was going to. "Definitely lots of places to choose from. It's cool." We proceeded to take like 6 elevators and then hopped on a train. He could have been fucking with me and I was following him like a lost puppy. My inner New Yorker was not awake.

We got to the foreign departure terminal and I figured I would get my ticket and then go roam around in the terminal for some food and drink. Great, the Air India desk doesn't open for another 3 hours! Oh well, I'll just grab a quick snack to hold me over and hang out. Fine dining at it's best.... McDonald's, Pizza, and some fried stand.

After wolfing down a nasty hot dog and fries, I went back to the Air India desk to get my ticket. Sweetness, now I can go through security and hang out at a cool bar or restaurant. Just before security, I asked a security guard what was past security. "There's nothing past there but seats" he said with a "what are fucking stupid" look on his face. "So it's just these few joints out here?" "Yep" he replied. Son of a bitch!

More shit food since I have another 4 hours in this hell hole. I know what you are thinking... Go to another terminal that is better. They won't let you through security with a ticket from a different terminal. Bummer.

Next stop... Germany.

Leaving the US of A

2009-03-27T08:09:00.001-07:00

March 22, 2009

Taos, NM - So this is my first entry to my new blog on my great adventures to Europe to play baseball. For those of you who don't know, I will be playing and coaching for the Stuttgart Reds in the German Regionliga of the Deutch Baseball Federation. Already so much has happened and I have experienced a ton of stuff, so I guess start from where it ended in America.

Lisa threw me an awesome party on Sunday the 22nd and invited some friends over to drink German beer and bratwurst. She invited like 40 people. When she told me that, I thought "that's pretty cool" and then my next thought was, "I'm going to look like a putz if no one shows up!" Luckily most people showed up to see me off. That Lisa sure is a keeper.

March 24, 2009

Albuquerque, NM - The big day has arrived and my friend Paul and wife Lisa were kind enough to bring me to the airport in Albuquerque. Of course when I got to the airport, they have that dumb rule about the bags not being more than 50 lbs. I was over on both bags by about 8 lbs so I had to scramble to stuff things into my back pack and send some stuff home with Lisa.

Because we had arrived so early (like almost 2 hours!) due to my wives obsessive nature, we stopped in at Guardunio's to have some overpriced alcoholic beverages. The wife said "are you sure you have time for this?" Me being the ever relaxed and confident guy that I am said "Of Course". I mean, it's Albuquerque on a Tuesday afternoon. How busy could it be (I think you see where I am going with this). After some nice last moments with my beautiful wife and beautiful Paul (he was a model after all), I decided it was probably time to get going, even though I knew I was going to be sitting by myself on the other side of security.

When I got into the security line, I thought to myself "hmmm, a little longer than I anticipated, but not bad. I'm sure it will be fast". I forgot I was in the land of "manana". Still, it's 12: 50 and my flight doesn't leave until 1:27 PM. Plenty of time.

Man this security line is taking forever, but no matter. Still doing fine and finally getting X-rayed. They decided they saw something in my bag that was suspicious and I said to the rent-a-cop sarcastically "It's a computer external hard drive...". He said "no, it's something else". I thought to myself, "there isn't anything else that is contraband, what could he be looking for?" It just so happens in the scurry to transfer stuff from one bag to another, I put a container with computer discs into my carry on luggage and that container had my Leatherman in it. Son of a bitch! "We'll have to empty the entire contents of your back pack sir." I said irritated "fine, can I put my shoes back on at least?" He didn't think that was funny. As he is pulling out my emergency clothes including my emergency under ware (thank god there were no skid marks), I hear on the loud speaker "Bret Helenius, please come to gate B9 immediately, your flight is leaving". What the fuck happened! I was cruising and had plenty of time. Barny Fife was still rifling through my bag and now I was in a hurry.

"Here it is, just as I suspected. A Leatherman with a knife in it. You know if you wanted to take this with you, you should have put it in your checked luggage". "Wow, thanks Captain obvious" is what I wanted to say, but didn't have time to be that sarcastic.

I crammed all of my stuff in my back pack and high tailed it to gate B9. Lucky me! It's the last gate in the airport. I got to the gate and the gate checker said with an annoyingly up-beat tone, "glad you could make it Mr. Helenius". I thought to myself "blow it out your ass!". I get to the plane and the flight attendant said "Oh that back pack is too big. We'll have to check that." Um, do you think you can coordinate that with security so I can get my Leatherman back!

Just made it on the plane. Drenched in sweat, but I still have a seat. Next stop, Chicago for a nice 7 hour layover!!!