Planes, Trains and Automobiles

March 24 or 25, 2009

Chicago, Ill - So who's got two ass cheeks and is sore from sitting on them? This guy!! Can you say the layover from hell? For some reason, when I was booking my trip to Germany, I didn't remember that there was a nice 7 hour layover in Chicago. No matter, that place is like a city. If you are going to get stuck in an airport for a long time, why not in one of the biggest in the world.

On my flight from Albuquerque to Chicago, I witnessed the toughest stewardess (I mean flight assistant coordinator) I have ever encountered. The lady in front of me didn't cease her conversation as the stewardess was going over the emergency instructions in the "unlikely event of a water evacuation". Yeah, like when is that last time there was a water evac... never mind. So imagine a Chicago based flight crew with a woman that just had a visit from "Aunt Flo" that wouldn't take any shit and then you have the stewardess from hell. She proceeds to question the lady in front of me about where exactly the exits are and how many are on the DC-10. Good thing I studied that chapter before I got on the plane! The lady said giggling "I'm a teacher and we make the worst students." The stewardess didn't think that was very funny. "How many exits mam?" "I think there are three" said the passenger now getting a little antsy. "No, guess again". "I'm not sure, but I don't want to argue with you" said the teacher turned student. "It's passengers like you that put the other people on this plane in danger". It went on like that for another few minutes before the claws went back in on the stewardess. Ouch, that one stung.

When I got off the plane and waited in the gate area for my checked back pack (sans Leatherman), there was a Chicago police officer questioning a foreign couple about an incident that happened on the plane. Evidently the Stewardess from hell drew blood more than once on that plane. Multiple complaints hit Chicago before we even landed. As I was leaving the gate area, more boys in blue were brought in. "Hope you guys are packing heat" I said under my breath as I walked by them.

Considering I was flying Air India for the first time and had no idea where to go for it, so I asked one of those guys that push around wheelchairs in the airport but never seem to have anyone in them. He said "Air India? I'm going that way. Follow me." I though, how nice. I asked him if there were nice restaurants and bars in the terminal I was going to. "Definitely lots of places to choose from. It's cool." We proceeded to take like 6 elevators and then hopped on a train. He could have been fucking with me and I was following him like a lost puppy. My inner New Yorker was not awake.

We got to the foreign departure terminal and I figured I would get my ticket and then go roam around in the terminal for some food and drink. Great, the Air India desk doesn't open for another 3 hours! Oh well, I'll just grab a quick snack to hold me over and hang out. Fine dining at it's best.... McDonald's, Pizza, and some fried stand.

After wolfing down a nasty hot dog and fries, I went back to the Air India desk to get my ticket. Sweetness, now I can go through security and hang out at a cool bar or restaurant. Just before security, I asked a security guard what was past security. "There's nothing past there but seats" he said with a "what are fucking stupid" look on his face. "So it's just these few joints out here?" "Yep" he replied. Son of a bitch!

More shit food since I have another 4 hours in this hell hole. I know what you are thinking... Go to another terminal that is better. They won't let you through security with a ticket from a different terminal. Bummer.

Next stop... Germany.

Leaving the US of A

March 22, 2009

Taos, NM - So this is my first entry to my new blog on my great adventures to Europe to play baseball. For those of you who don't know, I will be playing and coaching for the Stuttgart Reds in the German Regionliga of the Deutch Baseball Federation. Already so much has happened and I have experienced a ton of stuff, so I guess start from where it ended in America.

Lisa threw me an awesome party on Sunday the 22nd and invited some friends over to drink German beer and bratwurst. She invited like 40 people. When she told me that, I thought "that's pretty cool" and then my next thought was, "I'm going to look like a putz if no one shows up!" Luckily most people showed up to see me off. That Lisa sure is a keeper.

March 24, 2009

Albuquerque, NM - The big day has arrived and my friend Paul and wife Lisa were kind enough to bring me to the airport in Albuquerque. Of course when I got to the airport, they have that dumb rule about the bags not being more than 50 lbs. I was over on both bags by about 8 lbs so I had to scramble to stuff things into my back pack and send some stuff home with Lisa.

Because we had arrived so early (like almost 2 hours!) due to my wives obsessive nature, we stopped in at Guardunio's to have some overpriced alcoholic beverages. The wife said "are you sure you have time for this?" Me being the ever relaxed and confident guy that I am said "Of Course". I mean, it's Albuquerque on a Tuesday afternoon. How busy could it be (I think you see where I am going with this). After some nice last moments with my beautiful wife and beautiful Paul (he was a model after all), I decided it was probably time to get going, even though I knew I was going to be sitting by myself on the other side of security.

When I got into the security line, I thought to myself "hmmm, a little longer than I anticipated, but not bad. I'm sure it will be fast". I forgot I was in the land of "manana". Still, it's 12: 50 and my flight doesn't leave until 1:27 PM. Plenty of time.

Man this security line is taking forever, but no matter. Still doing fine and finally getting X-rayed. They decided they saw something in my bag that was suspicious and I said to the rent-a-cop sarcastically "It's a computer external hard drive...". He said "no, it's something else". I thought to myself, "there isn't anything else that is contraband, what could he be looking for?" It just so happens in the scurry to transfer stuff from one bag to another, I put a container with computer discs into my carry on luggage and that container had my Leatherman in it. Son of a bitch! "We'll have to empty the entire contents of your back pack sir." I said irritated "fine, can I put my shoes back on at least?" He didn't think that was funny. As he is pulling out my emergency clothes including my emergency under ware (thank god there were no skid marks), I hear on the loud speaker "Bret Helenius, please come to gate B9 immediately, your flight is leaving". What the fuck happened! I was cruising and had plenty of time. Barny Fife was still rifling through my bag and now I was in a hurry.

"Here it is, just as I suspected. A Leatherman with a knife in it. You know if you wanted to take this with you, you should have put it in your checked luggage". "Wow, thanks Captain obvious" is what I wanted to say, but didn't have time to be that sarcastic.

I crammed all of my stuff in my back pack and high tailed it to gate B9. Lucky me! It's the last gate in the airport. I got to the gate and the gate checker said with an annoyingly up-beat tone, "glad you could make it Mr. Helenius". I thought to myself "blow it out your ass!". I get to the plane and the flight attendant said "Oh that back pack is too big. We'll have to check that." Um, do you think you can coordinate that with security so I can get my Leatherman back!

Just made it on the plane. Drenched in sweat, but I still have a seat. Next stop, Chicago for a nice 7 hour layover!!!