Planes, Trains and Automobiles

March 24 or 25, 2009

Chicago, Ill - So who's got two ass cheeks and is sore from sitting on them? This guy!! Can you say the layover from hell? For some reason, when I was booking my trip to Germany, I didn't remember that there was a nice 7 hour layover in Chicago. No matter, that place is like a city. If you are going to get stuck in an airport for a long time, why not in one of the biggest in the world.

On my flight from Albuquerque to Chicago, I witnessed the toughest stewardess (I mean flight assistant coordinator) I have ever encountered. The lady in front of me didn't cease her conversation as the stewardess was going over the emergency instructions in the "unlikely event of a water evacuation". Yeah, like when is that last time there was a water evac... never mind. So imagine a Chicago based flight crew with a woman that just had a visit from "Aunt Flo" that wouldn't take any shit and then you have the stewardess from hell. She proceeds to question the lady in front of me about where exactly the exits are and how many are on the DC-10. Good thing I studied that chapter before I got on the plane! The lady said giggling "I'm a teacher and we make the worst students." The stewardess didn't think that was very funny. "How many exits mam?" "I think there are three" said the passenger now getting a little antsy. "No, guess again". "I'm not sure, but I don't want to argue with you" said the teacher turned student. "It's passengers like you that put the other people on this plane in danger". It went on like that for another few minutes before the claws went back in on the stewardess. Ouch, that one stung.

When I got off the plane and waited in the gate area for my checked back pack (sans Leatherman), there was a Chicago police officer questioning a foreign couple about an incident that happened on the plane. Evidently the Stewardess from hell drew blood more than once on that plane. Multiple complaints hit Chicago before we even landed. As I was leaving the gate area, more boys in blue were brought in. "Hope you guys are packing heat" I said under my breath as I walked by them.

Considering I was flying Air India for the first time and had no idea where to go for it, so I asked one of those guys that push around wheelchairs in the airport but never seem to have anyone in them. He said "Air India? I'm going that way. Follow me." I though, how nice. I asked him if there were nice restaurants and bars in the terminal I was going to. "Definitely lots of places to choose from. It's cool." We proceeded to take like 6 elevators and then hopped on a train. He could have been fucking with me and I was following him like a lost puppy. My inner New Yorker was not awake.

We got to the foreign departure terminal and I figured I would get my ticket and then go roam around in the terminal for some food and drink. Great, the Air India desk doesn't open for another 3 hours! Oh well, I'll just grab a quick snack to hold me over and hang out. Fine dining at it's best.... McDonald's, Pizza, and some fried stand.

After wolfing down a nasty hot dog and fries, I went back to the Air India desk to get my ticket. Sweetness, now I can go through security and hang out at a cool bar or restaurant. Just before security, I asked a security guard what was past security. "There's nothing past there but seats" he said with a "what are fucking stupid" look on his face. "So it's just these few joints out here?" "Yep" he replied. Son of a bitch!

More shit food since I have another 4 hours in this hell hole. I know what you are thinking... Go to another terminal that is better. They won't let you through security with a ticket from a different terminal. Bummer.

Next stop... Germany.